(Council of Eccentrics.)
(Council of Eccentrics.)
| The world of online social networking for children takes a quantum leap backward with the introduction of SlugKinz(TM), your child's virtual slimebag companion! Unlike our old hat, "uncool" competitors, SlugKinz(TM) will offer your child hours of amusement. And you need never worry about perverts lurking in OUR online world, it's too gross even for them. |
| To get started, simply have the little twerp select one of the four hideous, clickable SlugKinz(TM) depicted below. Once you have determined which repugnant creature is best suited to your little whiner's warped personality, just send a money order for $49.95 (no personal checks accepted, you Internet sleazebags), or your credit card number, birthdate, checking account number, bank routing number, Social Security number and mother's maiden name to: |
| Bunko Productions |
| P.O. Box 6437625 |
| Street Where the Grubby, Dubious Money-Changers Squat And Ogle Women |
| Lagos, Nigeria |
| Once we have received your funds, we will send you a plush stuffed slug toy. Our products are guaranteed hypoallergenic, safety-tested, meet or exceed all ISO* standards and will provide your whinging little brats with hours of conflict and yourself with a hopeless feeling of endless nausea until the family dog mercifully tears it to shreds. |
| Disclaimer: Not responsible for destruction of produce in your garden or kitchen by your overly literal-minded offspring. Not responsible for black eyes and torn clothing incurred by your numbskull son or daughter when he or she proudly tells classmates at recess about his or her new SlugKinz(TM). |
SlugKinz(TM) Gallery |
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Squisssshy |
| Squisssshy is the most lovable SlugKinz(TM) of them all! He loves to cuddle, play, and eat holes in tomato vines! If you adopt him, he will repay you richly by spreading slime in your underwear drawer! If you don't adopt him, he will get even with you by spreading slime in your underwear drawer! |
| Favorite food: Young, tender spinach leaves. |
| Favorite pastime: Making your baby spit up. |
| Favorite song: "Twinkle, twinkle, little slime" |
| Favorite method of extermination: Stomping and smushing. |
| Favorite quote: "Won't you be my friend? Oops, I hope you weren't planning on drinking that mocha cappuccino!" |
| Back to SlugKinz(TM) Gallery |
Sssslimebag |
| Sssslimebag is the most talented of all the SlugKinz(TM)! He can cover your entire backyard in glistening mucus in just under an hour, a world-record time. Watch as he hollows out an entire head of iceberg lettuce in minutes, leaving the outside looking fresh and crisp until the unwary sandwich maker slices it open to find a mass of oozing grayish glop! |
| Favorite food: That bunch of basil leaves you were planning to use in homemade pesto to impress your girlfriend with. |
| Favorite pastime: Hiding in your slippers early in the morning. |
| Favorite song: Oops, I did it again! (I smeared snot all over your fruit basket!) |
| Favorite method of extermination: A shallow aluminum pan with a half-inch of beer in it. |
| Favorite quote: "He who saves a single slug, it's as if he'd ruined an entire garden." |
| Back to SlugKinz(TM) Gallery |
Ssssnotosssa |
| Ssssnotosssa is the stickiest Slugkinz(TM) of them all! Her mucus production is simply astounding! Just when you think she's done covering your hard-raised green beans with repulsive grayish goo, you'll turn around at a teenie-weenie slurping sound, and there she'll be, wreaking havoc in your zucchini patch! |
| Favorite food: The fragile stems of those tomatoes you'd been growing for weeks that were almost, ALMOST ripe. |
| Favorite pastime: Sliming your morning newspaper before you get a chance to snatch it off the front doorstep. |
| Favorite song: Inch by inch, row by row, gonna make this garden flow (With mucus). |
| Favorite method of extermination: Pour salt on her while screaming in a falsetto voice, "I'm melting! I'm melllllllllting!" |
| Favorite quote: "Life's a gorgeous, blossoming flower garden. Let's ruin it together!" |
| Back to SlugKinz(TM) Gallery |
Ssssquirmarella |
| Ssssquirmarella is the smelliest Slugkinz(TM) of them all! You'll be walking along in your garden, innocently sniffing the hydrangeas, and suddenly your nose will crinkle up like a prune and you'll go, "Hey! Who farted out here!" But it won't be a fart, nor a squashed gingko fruit, nor dog poop--it'll be Ssssquirmarella, stinking up your very own flower patch just for you! |
| Favorite food: Those lovely roses you were just about to clip and deliver to your sweetheart. |
| Favorite pastime: Turning your carefully grown flower garden into an outdoor toilet. |
| Favorite song: I'm always sliming rainbows. |
| Favorite method of extermination: Being eaten by the family cat, who will need his stomach pumped by the vet. |
| Favorite quote: Stop and smell the roses. (Before I hit 'em with stinkbombs.) |
| Back to SlugKinz(TM) Gallery |
*Intentionally Scum-sucking Outlaws.
Copyright © 2009, Martin Berman-Gorvine
